Tag: findingmyself

“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”

– Unknown

I celebrated my one month in this country by visiting Luna Park, a restored 1930’s amusement park that is on the corner of the Sydney Harbour.

My favourite ride was the Hair Raiser, it’s so funny seeing people’s hair before and after the ride (although, my hair has plenty of volume due to my round brush, blow dry and four product routine; it also doesn’t move).

Once you’re strapped into your seat, you are slowly brought up 50 metres above sea level for a bird’s eye view of the Sydney Harbour before being dropped over 80kms towards the ground.

I’ve never been much for heights, but I do enjoy amusement park rides.

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I’ve been fortunate to be surrounded by my family, I haven’t lived with them since I was ten years old. We are getting re-aquatinted and learning who we are in this current stage of our lives. I don’t remember every night I’ve shared with them as we like to share a few beverages.

(Oh, and they’ve taught me how to drink wine; no more Moscato for me)

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My cousin, Lovella and her fiancé, Mark have been extremely supportive. Not only have they given me a place to live, but we spend a lot of time together. We celebrate my mini milestones, we share meals together, watch shows on the couch, and go into the city the odd time.

They have kept my mind busy so I don’t always get lost in my head; it has made this season of self discovery so much easier.

There is a vantage point in North Sydney that looks over Sydney Harbour, and isn’t congested with tourists like Circular Quay. I’ve always looked at from the other side, but never took the time to go over. With all of my free time, it was time to check it out.

I found some park benches over looking the water, so I sat down and reflected on my first month here.

I am still trying to grasp that I’m actually in Australia and that I have been here for a month.

I have realized this trip is turning into a journey of deep learning: addressing insecurities I have suppressed, hurt that I have not dealt with and accepting my life for where it currently is.

Here are three things that I have had to let go of since being here:

1. Letting go of Expectations:
   • Expectation: I had everything planned out in my head the moment I landed – go on a road trip, find a job, meet new people, make some friends.
   • Reality: My road trip fell through, I’ve sent out almost 150 applications and have been rejected by them all, I have not met a lot of people, I only have three friends (who have their own lives); goodness these days have been somewhat lonely.
2. Letting go of my Career:
   • Expectation: I was going to be the guy who got the “Golden Opportunity”. Took the risk to follow my dream of living in Australia and continue to build on the career I had worked so hard to establish.
   • Reality: Now that I have been (f)unemployed for almost two months, I’m beginning to see this entire experience as the disruption that was needed for me to break out of what I was doing and discover what I am truly meant to do; I’ll get back to you on that one.
3. Letting go of People who Belong in the Past:
   • Expectation: I have held onto the odd chance that there may be a “pick up where we left off” moment, where things will go back to how they used to be. I have kept text messages from significant people from my journey that go as far back as 2014, waiting for the day I see a “hello”.
   • Reality: They aren’t coming back and things will never be the same. These individuals chose to walk away, we don’t even talk anymore (and the off chance that we do, I realize that keeping them in my life is not helping me move forward), and I don’t even live in the same country as them anymore. It shouldn’t be this difficult to let go.

I have found myself looking back at the last year and have asked myself:

“What if I had done that differently?”

“What if I had just spoken up?”

“What if I said this instead?”

“What if I had just given them space?”

Looking back at that chapter of my life has done me no favours.

There have been moments where I have felt like the ground beneath my feet is imploding and I find myself facing a complete meltdown. There have been moments of crying on the train, in the middle of the city, or on the beach; each time frustrated with my struggle to let go.

Sometimes I don’t make it out of the house and I lay on the couch reading a book or binge a Netflix Original Series all day.

I continue to struggle with the “who am I” question.

Who am I without my career, without my friends, without the things I have been holding onto, without my structure, without my routine?

I have felt so lost in my search for my identity.

Identity Crisis at 26 … yikes.

I don’t like feeling this way, yet I know deep down that all of this is supposed to be happening the way it is and this is all going to shape me into who I’m supposed to be.

As I begin to let go of the control that I have been so desperate to hold onto, I have noticed things are slowly falling into place right before me.

Friends, dealing with your shit is not easy.

It can be scary, exhausting, difficult, heartbreaking, and a whole lot of other things.

In order for growth to happen, it may be necessary to go through them.

Perhaps if you deal with it now, you won’t feel so lost in your head, have an identity crisis that triggers a major meltdown, and move to the other side of the world to find yourself?

(It’s okay for that to happen too)

Reflection Time:

1. How do you deal with your shit?
2. What do you need to let go that’s holding you back?

Now that you’ve caught a glimpse of the not so fun part of my journey, let me tell you what has been keeping me energized!!!

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Meet ZAIGHUM ✨ One of our new’er F45 members and seriously blowing our minds every single day he trains! Getting fitter, stronger and kicking his goals just like he set out to do when joining with us! @zaighum_punzalan Are you kicking YOUR goals? What are your goals? 🤔

A post shared by F45_training_engadine (@f45_training_engadine) on Jul 16, 2019 at 2:52pm PDT

With all of my free time and the need for face-to-face conversations, I have been regularly attending my local F45. We do 45 Minutes circuit training, focusing on cardio on Monday/Wednesday/Friday and functional strength training on Tuesday/Thursday.

I wake up at 6:00am, leave the house by 6:20am, walk the fifteen minutes to the gym to attend the 6:45am session. Finish at 7:30am, do some stretches then slowly walk back home.

I was given a shoutout by the team recently, doing the one thing I dread the most.

Weight Training.

Going to the gym has been giving me something to do, forcing me to do something productive with my time, even if it’s just for 45 Minutes out of my day. It’s been quite cathartic and is helping me reach some personal goals.

It has also helped burned off the carbs and alcohol that has snuck into my diet.

I … FOUND … POUTINE!

I was in Darlinghurst watching a Comedy Sketch by a local Drag Queen before meeting up with my cousin in Darling Harbour.

As I was walking towards the harbour, I was reading all of the different menus advertised outside the restaurants along the strip and saw poutine on one of the menus.

I turned back around to double check if I had read it correctly.

It was correct, this place sold poutine!

I have a weakness for poutine, had one the day before I left for Australia because I did not think I would be able to eat one for a whole year.

I walked up the owner, and asked my usual questions when I see poutine being advertised on the menu:

1. What is the gravy base?
   • It was mushroom
2. Do you use actual cheese curds?
   • They did (well, they were tiny … but it did the trick)

I didn’t waste anytime, I gave them my money and waited.

When it arrived, I snapped my picture and then took the first bite.

Heaven.

Now, it isn’t exactly the way it tastes back home. The seasoning is a bit different on the french fries, the cheese curds are small, and it almost tasted like the salt shaker broke and the contents fell into my box … BUT it’ll do for now.

I spent the last month training for an 11km Run!

The only organized runs I’ve ever participated in were the Scotia 5km and the BMO 8km back in Vancouver.

So, signing up for an 11km was a big stretch.

I was determined to do it, it was something I had never done before and one of my goals on my Radical Sabbatical was to try new things.

There is something special about the Running Community. Everyone shows up on race day with the same common purpose; finish the race.

There’s the final five minutes, the organizers blast the pump up music and people begin to toss their Throwaway Gear.

I always start to tear up at this moment, not sure why.

I play two songs before I do any run (the actual or training):

1. Where The Streets Have No Name: U2
2. We Built this City: Rocketship

The Sutherland2Surf is quite interesting. You run through the following suburbs within the Sutherland Shire:

• Sutherland
• Kirrawee
• Gymea
• Miranda
• Caringbah
• Woolooware
• Cronulla

There are people throughout the race route cheering you on.

High fives are given out, kids have noise makers, and there is camaraderie on the course by fellow runners.

As I made my way towards the final stretch, the crowds got bigger and bigger, it was quite the spectacle for our little beach suburb.

My final time was 1:07, beat what I had expected to do by 8 Minutes.

There was a familiar face at the finish line after I got my medal.

The Maccas (McDonald’s) Owner Operators of Sutherland Shire are official sponsors of Sutherland2Surf.

I will always love my McLife and am embracing my new role as a “McDAlumni”. It was pretty special to see representation in my new community of Sutherland Shire; something I was fortunate to lead back in Metro-Vancouver.

And so, I look forward to the next eleven months that are ahead of me.

I have no idea what is going to happen next: where will I work, who will I meet, what will I experience, or what I’ll learn?

What I do know is I won’t be able to experience any of it if I continue to re-read a chapter of my life that I cannot re-write.

It’s time to turn the page.

Onwards,
-Zaighum